What’s a pilot’s favourite pizza topping? Just a plane.
If you’re a frequent flyer, you’ll understand the importance of everyone knowing aeroplane etiquette. It’s an unspoken set of rules that ensures everyone has a nice and comfortable time. Most of the rules revolve around one key principle: Don’t be an arsehole.
I’ve put together a handy guide that should be passed on from generation to generation, to ensure that every aeroplane passenger knows how to act. It’s mostly common sense, but as we’ve learned, some people are eejits.
1. Sit in your actual seat, but be sound about it
Don’t dive straight down the back for an entire row to yourself as soon as you get on, the flight might be full and you’re supposed to be in 7B. Cop on and sit in your actual seat at first, then you can move around before take off, if the plane is empty. Also, if your seat is in the middle and there’s a couple either side of you, or two friends, or a parent and child, be sound and move so they can be together. It’s not their fault you’re a loner.
2. Don’t talk to anyone
Not everyone fancies a three hour chat with a stranger. Generally, a good indication is when the person is giving short and disinterested responses to your advances, or is simply wearing headphones. Rather than hassle this person further, simply jot down your pressing thoughts to be included in your riveting blog at a later date. Keep searching, kind soul, you will find a fellow chatterbox. If not in this lifetime, maybe in the next.
3. Keep your shoes on
Once, whilst occupying a window seat, my elbow was poked by a NAKED and hairy foot wiggling around behind it. Some degenerate behind me had removed both his shoe and sock at my comfort’s expense. Whatever you want to do in the safety of your own home is fine, but please do not bring it into the location of a big metal tube in the sky. Have a bit of consideration, sake.
4. Don’t recline your seat
For the entire four centimetres your chair has the ability to recline, it’s really not worth hampering the already minimal space of your neighbour behind. The mangey little sliver of space each passenger has is claustrophobic enough without the feeling of a wall closing in. Be sound, keep it upright and seek comfort in other ways, such as the gentle music of Carlos Santana featuring Michelle Branch.
5. Bring thoughtful snacks
If you have a big family bag of sucky sweets all to yourself for take off and landing, offer them to those nearby. It’s a nice thing to do. Similarly, when you’re buying a quick sambo for the flight, don’t get tuna. It smells disgusting and will inevitably make you the most hated person on the plane. Same with crisps, be sound and have an odourless flavour.
6. Keep your disgusting germs to yourself
Should you be struck down with a cold on the day of your flight, maybe reconsider the entire trip. Alternatively, if you’re fully intent on having a nice time regardless of your illness, try to sneeze into your hand as opposed to a nearby baby’s face. Put your manky tissues in the bin and if possible, don’t breathe at all. Just hold your breath until you get to your destination. Thanks
7. Don’t hog the armrest
It’s truly baffling that every person on Earth isn’t aware of this unspoken regulation by now. The person in the middle gets both armrests, with those on either side getting the window or aisle to occupy themselves. Especially if you’re lucky enough to have the aisle seat, don’t you dare allow a hair follicle off your arm touch off that middle armrest. Stay in your lane, bucko.
8. Talk quietly
If you’re fortunate enough to be accompanied by a friend, lover or family member on your travels, please talk quietly. Maybe even ignore them altogether. Nearby passengers aren’t particularly interested in hearing your hot take about how much of a racket €3 for a cup of tea is, as they can likely reach this conclusion themselves. Be sound, and also very very quiet.
9. Don’t be an arse to the cabin crew
A job’s a job. Just because you’re at 33,000 feet, it doesn’t mean your needs are too. Cabin crew work long hours and they’re just as tired as you are. If they get something wrong or take a bit longer than expected to tend to your every need, don’t kick off. Just be sound and have a chat. If they like you, you might even get a free packet of biscuits with your cup of tea, you old charmer you!
