Valentine’s Day is fast approaching and we are safe in the knowledge that our wonderful other halves have already organised an event and the most lavish of gifts. You have, haven’t you? If this is not the case, here is a friendly reminder of the worst gifts you could possibly buy for the big day…
1. Flowers
The epitome of the original present; nothing quite says “I forgot Valentine’s Day” like a bunch of flowers from the local garage when you were filling up the petrol tank. On occasion, we would be more than delighted if you had robbed some daisies out of a neighbour’s garden but for Valentine’s Day, we can just seem like an afterthought. Honestly, even one red rose is better…
2. Smelly Bath and Shower Stuff
We should really point this out straight off the mark, every woman is different and we each have our own favourite beauty treatments that we always use or shampoos that suit our hair type etc etc… Do not under any circumstances mess with this programme and buy us a basket of pharmacy knock-off rejects. We appreciate the effort, but we will never use them and inevitably donate them to a charity shop or recycle them as a gift for someone else. Harsh, but true.
3. Perfume
Don’t get us wrong, we love perfume but we really feel like this should be a process that’s worked out in the days ahead of Valentine’s Day. Watch out for the hints, samples left around the house, our favourite perfume ads that we will share on facebook. Never buy a woman a perfume she does not want, or worse again, a perfume that smells like it could be used as a toilet cleaner. We don’t want to have the conversation where you ask are we wearing our new perfume and we have to lie…
4. Kitchen Utensils/Cooking Equipment
Nothing says a woman’s place is in the home like the gift of kitchen utensils or cooking equipment. We know a particular her.ie reader who received a beautiful food liquidiser for Valentine’s Day. I love you, please make some liquidized soup. Just no.
5. Pets
“A dog is not just for Christmas, it’s for life” can apply to several other gift-giving occasions and to several different animals. Pets are wonderfully cute and cuddly, but they require constant care and attention. Basically, it’s like having a child in furry form. Unless you are planning to assume half of the workload, feeding and walking, please do not buy us something living. No, not even a plant.
6. Clothes
We’ve had enough time over the years to figure out our body shapes, what clothes suits us, whether we’re an Autumn or a Summer or how much cleavage we would like to have on show. Unless you are going to take us to a designer store, where all the beings that work there wait on us hand and foot and you pick up the tab, much like Richard Gere in Pretty Woman, please do not consider buying us that pink sugar plum fairy skirt. Sure, Sarah Jessica Parker wore it for Sex and the City opening titles but we will never pull it off. Vouchers still say I love you effectively.
7. Cuddly Toys
Ask any woman and she will confirm this fact, we have a press in our parent’s houses which contains about six million cuddly toys we have accumulated over the years but are just completely unable to part with for various reasons. Please do not add to this amount, we are unable, as a species, to throw out cuddly toys. We will love a little teddy bear that holds a heart saying “I love you” but don’t be surprised if this will be in every house we ever live in for the rest of our lives.
8. Books
This is when you know that the man in your life has really reached panic stages and he’s found himself in the cute book section of Eason’s. If you would like to buy us the entire classic collection of Jane Austen and Charlotte Bronte, by all means work away. However, a book entitled “10 Million Reasons I Love You” doesn’t exactly scream that you love us. It screams that you gave up and this was remotely near enough what you wanted to tell us. Oh and while we’re on the subject, diet books and cook books? No.
9. Gym Gear
We once heard an urban myth that stated a certain lady received a treadmill for Valentine’s Day. We probably have hinted that we would like some kind of gym equipment, but not on the most romantic day of the year. To us, it simply says “I love you but you’re fat… Here’s a treadmill. Lose some weight.”
10. Being Dumped
The ultimate in worst gifts you can give us for Valentine’s Day has to be the terrible experience of being dumped. This kind of gift can literally scar us for life. So do us a favour, if you are considering ending it with your other half this Valentine’s Day, at least have the decency to end it a couple of days before or a couple of days after. That way when Valentine’s rolls round every year after, we will not be cursing your name to the eternal Gods.
Chocolate in all forms is always acceptable.
