Do you tend to do all the talking on a date?
Maybe you find yourself rambling in awkward situations to come across more approachable or “bubbly”?
Well, you may want to re-evaluate that approach, as contrary to popular belief, opening up may not be the key to making you more likeable.
In fact, it has been found that people who are “active listeners” have more interpersonal success, a fact that FBI hostage negotiators exploit in their interactions.
Of course, it is a negotiator’s job to “connect” with people and convince them to open up, and the “active listening” method is a simple but effective way to do this.
Published in TIME, Eric Barker explained the three components of active listening:
- Paraphrasing; repeating the gist of what the person said.
- Inquiring; asking them to tell you more about the topic
- Acknowledge; Summarise their feelings to show you understand them
Eric gives the following example as it might play out in a business deal:
Paraphrase: “It sounds as if you’re satisfied with our component overall. But if I understand correctly, you need me to assure you that we can increase production if large orders come in. You’re also concerned about our proposed per-unit price and our willingness to work with you to create an acceptable arrangement. Have I captured your main points?”
Inquire: “You mentioned that you found our proposed price to be unacceptable. Help me understand how you came to this conclusion. Let’s also talk about how we might set up a pricing structure that you find more reasonable.”
Acknowledge: “It sounds as if you’re quite disappointed with various elements of our proposal, so much so that you have serious concerns about whether we’ll be able to work together over the long haul.”
Will this work on a date? Absolutely. Eric explains why active listening is “sexy”.
“Technology developed by Sandy Pentland and his colleagues at MIT Media Lab counts the number of times people say “uh-huh,” “yeah,” “yup,” “aha,” “okay,” and “I see” when they’re listening to someone speak.
“In Pentland’s study, the more short interjections a man made, the more attractive he was to the woman who was talking.”
Well this seems VERY doable to us.
