In a new weekly feature, Her.ie goes behind enemy lines to see what it’s really like to be single in Ireland.
From speed dating to making speedy escapes, our no-holds-barred blog will follow one girl’s attempts to venture into the dating jungle, play the field and share any wisdom that she finds along the way!
Week Ten: Life In The Fast Lane
If I’ve learned anything since I started this blog, it’s that every woman in Ireland has a bad date story.
While our nation may not be as enthusiastic about formally ‘dating’ as our American counterparts (and chances are our suitors are a cousin of the best mate or went to college with a neighbour), this does not mean that we have escaped the romantic disasters that come with the single game. I’ve heard many’s a tale of woe from my friends, work colleagues and various acquaintances over the years but a new story that I heard over the weekend has shot straight to the top of the chart.
So, I’ve decided to share it with you.
It all began many moons ago when a girl called Lorraine met a guy, who we’ll call Martin, while on a night out. Things went well, numbers were exchanged and they arranged to go out on a date. So far, so good.
However, once her date arrived, Lor went down to the car to be informed that she would have to sit in the back as the passenger’s seatbelt was broken. Feeling slightly awkward, she hopped in and they made their way to the restaurant. The night went well, the conversation flowed and at the end of the evening, she popped back into her allocated back seat for the journey home feeling a little like Jessica Tandy in Driving Miss Daisy.
En route, Martin asked her whether she wanted to know how the seatbelt had been broken and she, loving a good tale, said yes. Big mistake.
He went on to inform her, without so much as a blush, that a previous girlfriend had been ‘entertaining’ him as he took a drive and her skills were so accomplished that he lost concentration and collided with a pole. The car escaped with a few dents but the seatbelt snapped with the impact.
Now, for many women, hearing such details of an ex-lover while on a first date might be a dealbreaker but Lor decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and go on a few more dates. Things went well and she couldn’t believe her luck. Here was a guy who was devastatingly attractive, gentlemanly and seemingly very interested…so there must be a catch, right?
Well, they say things are never as good as they seem and when they finally decided to take things to the bedroom on the third date, she discovered that her very own Prince Charming did indeed have a few (ahem) shortcomings…well, one in particular.
Now, any wise woman knows that only a bad workman blames his tools and there are plenty ways to overcome the difficulties posed by such a problem. So, she decided to hang on in there and see what kind of moves Martin had to offer.
Unfortunately, the answer was… none.
Whether completely oblivious or just plain selfish, he had seemingly no interest in making sure that Lorraine got her side of the bargain in the bedroom gymnastics department and eventually, having attempted to nudge him in right direction several times, she decided to cut her losses and move on.
But Lorraine is a nice girl and while she may have reached her frustration limit, she didn’t want to be unnecessarily cruel so she broke the news by explaining that she didn’t think the relationship was going anywhere and thought it best they went their separate ways. He begged her for an explanation as she gathered her things and as she continued to try and protect his ego, he became more and more angry.
As she headed for the door, he turned around and uttered a sentence that finally made her realise what she had been dealing with.
“‘You’re making a big mistake, you fat b**ch.”
As she mentally reassured herself that this was the skinniest she had been in years, she saw red and asked him ‘Do you really want to know why I’m leaving?’.
Then she strolled out of the apartment building, singing this at the top of her lungs.
The best bit? She’s since heard that Martin has settled down with a girl she knows from home…whose nickname is ‘Stumpy’.
You couldn’t make it up.
In other news, I have a date this week! After last week’s great famine, I got back on the horse (or Tinder) and got chatting to a promising guy. We seem to have a few things in common, he asked me out without the need for several weeks of mind numbing small talk and he’s pretty cute so I’ve agreed to an after-work drink later in the week.
While I’m keeping my expectations low, I’m quite looking forward to it and, worse case scenario, I’ll have a funny story for you next week – though hopefully, nothing like Lorraine’s!
We want to hear your dating stories! Get in touch by email to hello@her.ie or find us on Twitter @Herdotie using the #shiftyfirstdates.
