Just like many women don’t have sex on the first date, we don’t believe you should have sex in the first month.
January sex is just not conducive to feeling good about yourself/gleaning satisfaction/progressing any relationship.
Although we are BIG fans of festive sex (let it snow, we say), sex in January unfortunately just reveals the horrifying things we are capable of as human beings.
Here, we have listed seven sex struggles we all fall victim to in January.
Dry January
We’re pretty chuffed with ourselves that we have managed to steer clear of the beer, but our sex lives badly miss the odd glass of wine or two that helps us loosen up.
We also learn that he needs alcohol to talk dirty.
“You like that baby?” Annnnd we’re dry. Literally nothing going on down there. Zilch. Squat. Someone get this man a beer.
Judgement
However, just because we’re no longer consuming a barrel of prosecco a day, doesn’t mean we don’t make bad decisions people!
Oh no, our judgement is now more skewed than ever. After a long, cold, and lonely festive season watching our buddies get engaged, we are now ACTIVELY seeking love.
Which leads to rash decisions… and suddenly the office creep looks sexier than ever. Don’t do it.
Over-exposure
If you ARE in a relationship, you’ve probably seen a lot of your partner over the Chrimbo. And he has probably made some snide comment agreeing with your mother at the dinner table.
And while you would never shoot to kill, maybe you’d fire one shot to injure.
You’re also imagining how best to utilise the pillow in order to finish off the job without it looking like there was a struggle.
Best not to have sex right now.
Poundage
And we don’t mean that type of pounding. We mean pounds. Literal pounds of flesh all over our bodies. And his. Not sexy.
The cruel reality of January is that you are usually both simultaneously horrendously bloated AND terribly hungry.
The detox plan is going well, but you learn some essential truths about yourself when you avoid carbs for too long.
One of those truths is that you might start crying during sex for no reason except sheer grief at giving up pizza.
Illness
You’re both probably in various stages of some horrific virus that has taken hold. You may think he’s about to climax, but it could very possibly just be a sneeze.
Blanket Wars
We tend to like a little snuggle after sex, but tomorrow’s work fear is all too real and you need to skip past the fluff and get to sleep ASAP. However it’s baltic and you and your partner will probably spend the next hour passively – aggressively tugging the blanket. And then you’ll remember when he agreed with your mother that you are too uptight at the table. It’s hard to let things go in January.
Resentful Fatigue
We’re oh-so-tired, and dragging ourselves out of bed the following morning on an icy, dark January morning just makes us really wish we’d spent the extra hour asleep.
