Making a commitment ‘til death do us part’ can be intimidating – even when you’re with the right person.
It takes between two to three years to really get to know someone, but how do you know if your relationship is built to last? Are little irritations part of the bigger picture, or are you being petty?
Relationship expert Dr. Karen Phillop decided to drum down the details you need to know before making a long-term commitment to your other half.
Speaking to MailOnline, Phillop addresses some of the deal breakers you need to agree on before walking up the aisle:
Children:
It might sound obvious, but making sure you’re on the same page when it comes to having kids is vital for a marriage to last. Having the conversation of when, how many and where to raise your family should all be taking into consideration.
Issues with your in-laws:
Yes, you know it’s healthy to be honest and open with your other half, but it’s important to remember that you’re still talking about your partner’s family – who are closely tied to their past and their future.
Try and be calm, and broach any issues sensitively to avoid hurt.
Phillop explains:
“You need to know that your partner loves their parents unconditionally – they may not even see the things they do as they may have been raised in a family where, for example, fights at the dinner table are normal.
“To us, the way we are raised is normal, so be mindful in how you phrase your issues and never throw out the phrases “how could you let them do that” or “why would you let them speak like this” etc.”
What do you both consider cheating on social media?
While Facebook, Twitter and Whatsapp can help us keep in touch with our nearest and dearest from afar, the distrust and destruction it can cause to a relationship is limitless.
Phillop advises having an honest conversation with your partner about boundaries and acceptable interchanges.
Want to clear the air?
“Share your passwords, allow your partner to look at your phone any time and be completely transparent.
“Clarify what cheating is when it comes to social media – is it a private conversation on Facebook? If you couldn’t be having a conversation on Facebook with your partner sitting next to you, then perhaps you shouldn’t have it at all.’
Great Sexpectations
Phillop advises this conversation to take place as early into your relationship as possible.
Being aware of each other’s sex drives and needs will help both parties to feel connected and involved – while eliminating any feelings of pressure or neglect when it comes to the bedroom.
While it might sound cold to keep a schedule, Phillop suggests including your daily activity as part of the routine leading into foreplay:
“I tell them that foreplay starts at 6am when you open your eyes.
“The alarm goes off, you get dressed, have breakfast, don’t talk much, maybe text about dinner arrangements, have dinner, then hop in bed and bam, he is ready to go – but she is thinking “well, you’ve ignored me all day and now you expect this”.
“Where he is turned on at the sight of her in the shower, she isn’t – she gets turned on by the foreplay that starts at 6am where he considers her, helps her, talks about her day and asks her how she feels – THAT is foreplay to a woman.”
Transparent Finances
Phillop recommends taking the uncertainty out of financial pressures and adopting a joint bank account:
“When there are joint accounts involved it is always less of an issue in relationships, and this topic is one of the biggest deal breakers.
“I have met couples that have been married for 10 years, have three kids and the wife still has no idea what the husband earns…and this is a common occurrence.”
Want to keep treat money aside? Agree to take a certain amount of your pay packet to spend on treats or extra items, while keeping a joint account for bills, expenses and household mean neither partner feels like they’re being kept out of the financial loop.
Tell them you care:
Just as you should always show your partner you care, it’s important to verbalise your feelings:
“It allows the person to feel good and appreciated and often when we are married and busy we forget to recognise them as this beautiful human being that we’ve chosen to be with.”
Not feeling the love reciprocated?
Broach the subject gently, and let them know that while you appreciate their small acts of consideration, you love to hear that they care about you too.
Communication is all part of the connection, and if you love them enough to marry them, three simple words shouldn’t be too hard to say.
