Facebook likes are more sought-after than a united Ireland.
Lately, it seems like everyone’s life is geared towards achieving likes on Facebook. I’m considering having a baby because I haven’t gotten well over 100 Facebook likes in a very long time and it’s a sure-fire method of validation.
There’s an entire thesis in the science behind what statuses we like on Facebook and why. I’m too busy looking at pictures of Morbegs on the internet to get that thesis done, so I’ll give you the gist below.
1. The Pity Like
You’re a good person, always have been. You see a lone soldier status out there in cyberspace without a like to keep itself warm and you feel something. Is it emotion? Possibly. Someone has put themself in a vulnerable position by sharing a deep and meaningful inspirational quote and nobody is giving it so much as a sniff. Enter: You. Kitted out in chainmail like the knight in shining armour that you are, a like is flung from your account to theirs without hesitation. You’re fully aware of the impact this will have on the status writer’s day. Sleep easy tonight champ, you’ve made the world a slightly better place.
2. The Thirsty Like
Let’s call a spade a spade here, folks. You fancy this person a large amount and will like literally anything they post on Facebook. The Communist Manifesto? Absolutely. A link to their extremely mediocre blog about Babybel? Love it. There’s nothing they can post that you won’t launch yourself onto. The golden rule of a thirsty like is that you can’t be the first person to like the post. It needs to have a small bit of momentum before you slip right in there. Stealth is key. It’s unlikely, but some day, that thirst may well be quenched.
3. The ‘Caught Rotten’ Like
Move it along thanks, nothing to see here. Truth be told, you were having a very deep creep at your old babysitter’s ex-boyfriend’s younger brother’s cat groomer’s nephew. Standard. Unfortunately, your finger slipped onto the like button, so you unliked it swiftly, but there was a delay so you hit ‘like’ again by accident and now you’re stuck in an infinite loop of rapidly liking and unliking this post until the end of time. Can an unexpected sinkhole just open up and swallow you into the Earth’s core immediately or….? No? Ok. Ideal.
4. The Drunk Like
You’ve been drinking, fair enough. Happens. Before you go asleep to wake up in a world of hungover shame and fear, you decide that the best way forward for you at this particular moment in time is to go on a liking spree on Facebook, before you peacefully pass away. Wonder what your ex-boyfriend is up to these days? Now’s the perfect time to find out! What feels like mere seconds later, you’re knee deep in his graduation photos from 2013 and liking every single one of them to prove to him (and yourself) that there’s no hard feelings between the two of you and you’re genuinely so proud of him. Drunk likes are a gateway to drunk comments, so bí cúramach.
5. The ‘I’m Watching You’ Like
This is quite a passive-aggressive Facebook maneuver. You need the recipient of the like to be aware that you’ve seen them tag themselves into a pub after they declined your suggestion to go to the cinema because they were “too tired”. I see you, Tina. I SEE YOU TAGGING YOURSELF WITH KATE, WHO YOU ALWAYS BITCH ABOUT BEHIND HER BACK AND ONLY USE HER TO GO OUT BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW SHE HAS A BIT OF A DRINKING PROBLEM AND YOU’RE DESPERATE FOR THE RIDE TO GET OVER DECLAN WHO HAS MOVED ON AWFULLY QUICK AFTER YOUR SIX YEAR “SOULMATE” RELATIONSHIP.
