Hotels, am I right?
There’s something extremely liberating about staying in a hotel, which I believe comes down to the simple fact that you don’t have to make your bed.
At the end of the day, we are all animals and hotels allow us to tap into our inner slobs.
Theft
To borrow a quote from that piracy ad, “you wouldn’t steal a car, would you?”. No, I wouldn’t. But I’ll be damned if I’m not loading my bag with free shampoo, shower gel, shower caps, emergency sewing kits, teabags and mini biscuits before I leave. Innocently checking how securely the trouser press is nailed down as you leave is also mandatory.
Breakfast Piggery
Eating habits at home and eating habits in a hotel are two entirely different things. A hotel breakfast is roughly seven times the size of regular breakfast. Start off with a bit of cereal, a dozen pastries, a full Irish fry, eight cups of tea and a bowl of fresh fruit to maintain the illusion that your body is a temple. No bother to you.
Excessive Safe Usage
There’s something very alluring about a safe. Sure, your belongings are perfectly secure at home, but in a hotel, even your car keys need to be barricaded behind eight centimetres of reinforced metal, with a foolproof numeric password. I once put half a chicken sandwich in a hotel safe, BECAUSE I COULD.
Yearly Bath
Since I departed infancy, I’ve had roughly three baths in my life. All three of these were in hotels BECAUSE I COULD. You can be full sure I threw on the shower cap as well, I wasn’t going to make an eejit of myself.
Bible
Despite having a copy throughout school, for some reason I’m never closer to reading the Bible than when I’m in a hotel. It’s usually tucked away in a little bedside locker and it’s strangely comforting to know that it’s there. If insomnia kicks in and the TV is shite, chances are you’ll tap into your inner conspiracy theorist and try to find tips for who’ll win Sam Maguire this year.
Lowered TV Standards
Nobody expects to watch much television when they stay in the hotel, but sometimes it’s nice to have it on in the background while you’re doing bits and bobs (such as trying to figure out if you’d get away with stealing a dressing gown). The channels are usually rubbish, which means your standards are forced to hit rock bottom. I’ve only ever watched Hollyoaks twice, both times in a hotel.
Wreckless Phone Usage
If you’re staying in a hotel with a group, the housephone is operated with gay abandon. Need to find out what time you’re going out for dinner at? Ring them. Wondering what they’re wearing? Ring them. Have a burning question about the ending of Lost? Ring them.
Sauna Resistance
What is it about being a hotel that seduces you into going to the gym? The gym is terrible. Twelve minutes on a treadmill and you’re straight into the pool. Glorious. Oh look, there’s a sauna as well. Maybe you can tolerate saunas now. Thirty seconds into sauna and chill, you’re on the floor flapping around like a captured salmon. Cop on, Lynda.
