School was class.
It didn’t do a huge amount in terms of preparing us for the real world, but it was good fun. I have no idea how to pay taxes but by Christ do I remember the ‘-b’ formula.
My favourite part about school was how serious the most mundane of things were treated, if they breached the all-important school rules. If you were caught eating chewing gum, it was game over, as you were forced to say goodbye to your loved ones and settle into your new life in Guantanamo Bay.
Some of the reasons why we got in trouble at school were quite ridiculous, so I’m going to expose them once and for all.
1. Being caught with the extremely dangerous weapon of a mobile phone in your pocket.
2. Arriving minutes late for class because your Mam had to stop on the way to post a letter. Scum.
3. Laughing the entire way through the school mass because the priest’s shoes made a fart noise every time he walked.
4. Eating a cheeky sucky sweet during class. You disrespectful animal.
5. Saying something funny and being asked to say it out loud (which always resulted in a laugh – IN YOUR FACE MR. ROGERS!)
6. Wearing make up. WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO IMPRESS WITH YOUR FLAWLESS CONTOURING?
7. Not having your homework done, as if you had some kind of social life going on outside of the place.
8. Repeatedly putting the Bible in the fiction section of the library after being told to stop.
9. Taking too long coming back from lunch even though the queue at the chipper was completely out of your hands.
10. “Forgetting” your P.E. gear because you didn’t fancy being tackled to the ground during rounders by Competitive Ciara again.
11. Not having your skirt at the regulation length. Hussy.
12. The internationally recognised war crime of being giddy.
13. Causing the substitute teacher to cry because you wouldn’t stop talking (it was the day after the Grey’s Anatomy season finale, in fairness).
14. Getting caught going to meet boys to awkwardly talk to them during lunchtime.
15. Not knowing some utterly irrelevant fact about the chemical reaction that occurs underneath volcanoes.
16. Yawning. People have been executed for less.
17. Sitting in an area that you had absolutely no business sitting in, you animal.
18. Having a hint of any other colour showing on your REGULATION black shoes.
19. Being midway through an intense roast of one of your friends, when you were overheard and sentenced to 12 years in prison without bail for being so vulgar.
20. Doing a blatantly fake sneeze to get someone’s attention.
21. Passing notes that exposed the whereabouts of everyone on the FBI’s most wanted list (or just very innocently who you and everyone involved fancied).
