Every once in a while, for whatever reason, we decide to have a sober night out.
Sometimes it’s out of choice, other times it’s purely down to basics. Antibiotics + alcohol = embarrassing moments you’ll never live down (Sorry mum).
So what if you dare to venture on an Irish night on the tiles minus the sauce?
Here’s how you know when you’re the sober one at the party…
The Heel Trample
Prepare to be stabbed a million times by your drunk friends in their heels. Your feet will be black and blue by midnight.
You’ve Got Bling
When you’ve cut the booze for a night, expect to hear the jingle jangle of coins and the foreign sight of money IN your purse after a night out. We’ll take that, thank you very much.
“Why Aren’t You Drinking?”
You will be asked this on repeat. Expectant answers are “studying for exams” or “antibiotics”. You will be asked if you’re sure you can’t have just the one, and yes you will be asked every time a new person joins the conversation.
Queues Become Intolerable
When you’ve had a few vodkas, a trip to the ladies’ room or a wait at the bar seems less of a chore. Sure you can have the chat and dissect everything he just told you in cryptic messages.
When you’re sober you wish all the girls in huddled groups would shove themselves into one cublicle so you can pee in peace next door.
But Do Expect ‘The Look’
Every barman will give you a look of disdain for ordering a coke. He’s not getting a tip and he secretly assumes you’ve a sneaky naggin hidden in your bag. You contemplate offering your bag up for inspection…
You’re Your Mother
And everyone’s mother. If there’s a friend who’s past the point of no return, you can guarantee you’ll be minding them for the rest of the night. You’ll also get more looks off said barman when you start asking for pints of water.
And Repeat…
That deep and meaningful conversation becomes a lot more shallow and empty when you have to repeat it. Twenty times. And they STILL don’t remember the last word of advice you gave them. But it’s ok, you’re just short of writing it down on a beer mat at this rate.
WHY CAN’T THEY JUST REMEMBER?!
Your Make-Up Is Immaculate
Thankfully one of the many positives is you notice if your eyeliner is suddenly washed down south of those peepers. And blush doesn’t look like you’ve been smacked with a paint gun.
Your Phone Is No Longer The Devil
You don’t have to wake up to a sick feeling in your stomach. You made no professions of love and your dignity is still somewhat in tact.
Judgey Wudgey Was A Bear
Prepare to judge everyone. They’re drunk and annoying and you’re cripplingly aware that your friendship will continue to dwindle with every slurred word. It’s time to head home.
Taxi (Driver)
But now that you’ve annouonced you’re going home you inevitably end up becoming a chaeuffer. It’s ok though – you’re also privy to all the night’s gossip. You just need to round the troops…
**Honorary Mention**
You’ll wake up feeling fresh. There’s no case of The Fear, you’re not searching for your keys/ phone/ wallet and you’ve actually got a whole day ahead of you. There are perks to a night out on the dry… just make sure to avoid the stiletto brigade…
