Sex. Sometimes it can be amazing. Sometimes it can be good. Sometimes it can be mediocre-at-best and sometimes? Well sometimes it can just be awful. ‘I-actually-never-want-to-have-sex-again’… we’ve all been there, bad sex is a universal experience. Come now, let us unite in our horrors together. (Pun intended).
At some point in time, we will all have a sexcapade that is just completely terrible. It will be so awkward that it will leave you feeling a little gross, a little weirded out and silently praying that you’ll never have an encounter so awful ever, ever again.
We took a look at the 10 signs that you’ve just had the worst sex of your life because if you don’t laugh about it, you’ll cry think to yourself, ‘WHY ME’?!
1. You start shivering (and not in a good way) directly afterwards and you can’t stop.
Your mind may still be trying to process what just happened, but your body already knows that you just had really, really awful sex. Don’t worry. The shivers will eventually ease. Unfortunately the memory will take longer to erase.
2. Are you okay?!
Now, don’t get us wrong. It’s nice to have a partner who takes an interest in how you’re doing. Some may say it is cute if he asks you once or twice. However, if he’s asking you every 30 seconds, it sort of ruins the whole ‘wahey-I’m-having-sexytime!’ buzz.
NOTE: Silence is golden, especially in the bedroom (although dirty talk is the exception to this rule).
3. Zero fireworks
When you’re about to have sex with someone special, you sort of expect a certain type of ‘ambiance.’ There should be passion, chemistry, fireworks. When none of this happens, it makes the rest of the experience pretty cold and, well, crap.
4. The awkward moment when…
There is nothing like a full-blown case of the awkwards to kill the romance. Sex in and of itself is generally an awkward thing… You’re naked, he’s naked, it may or may not be dark, people can’t see where they’re going or putting things in the dark). However, when the awkwardness is overcome you get to enjoy sex in all its awesomeness*.
*Awkward moments can mess with a person’s sexual mojo. Sad face.
5. Is that it?!
It’s never a nice question to have to ask but honestly, that lasted for .5 of a second and we’re feeling a little hard done by here…
6. What will I have to eat next?
When you’re having good sex, your mind should be so overloaded with pleasure that you can’t see straight, let alone think straight.
NOTE: If you find yourself planning your next meal it’s a sure sign that you’re having pretty terrible sex.
7. There’s an injured party.
We’re all for adventure between the sheets and while it may start off as the best-sex-ever, it will quickly become the worst-sex-in-the-history-of-all-time if you sustain some kind of injury (especially if it’s an embarrassing injury, but the less said about that the better).
8. You actually never want to have sex again.
It was so awkward/bad/mortifying that suddenly celibacy seems like a great move for your love life.
9. Flashbacks… MAKE THEM STOP!
You’re going about your daily business and suddenly your brain attacks you with a flashback of the last time you got down and dirty. Your stomach lurches and your skin starts to crawl. That’s how you know it was bad.
10. Too disturbed to sleep it off…
He wants to cuddle? Eh… you’re so traumatised that you’re already plotting your escape through the bedroom window as soon as he nods off.
You could attempt to sneak out and take the stairs although let’s be completely honest: after the worst sex ever, ain’t nobody got time for that!
