Hello losers,
Absolutely buzzing to be taking part in Her.ie’s diary entry series. It’s always been an ambition of mine to reach their tens of readers with my motivational and ludicrous words.
Given that the internet is currently losing its reason over my tweet last night, it feels only right that I clear a few things up.
Firstly, I never wanted to get into MMA. I thought it stood for Mixed Marital Arts and enrolled myself in an intensive six-week programme at the age of twelve. I’ve always been extremely interested in the concept of marriage. It’s beautiful. So the promise of being able to combine marriage with arts and crafts really appealed to me.
Sadly, this was not the case. I went along with it for a while, but by week five, I knew something was wrong. There was no PVA glue, no paper mâché, no paint palettes with thumb holes for ease of use, and, most harrowingly, there was no sign of Neil Buchanan and his whimsical ways.
Instead of hitting each other with a supreme knowledge of arts and crafts, these people were hitting each other with their fists. It was shocking to see. I was taken aback, but didn’t want to seem stupid for ending up in the wrong class. So, I went along with the whole fighting thing and I ended up being pretty flipping good at it.
People always ask why I’m so cocky. I don’t think I’m cocky, I’m confident. I can trace the roots of it back to when I was seventeen. I was using my favourite machine in the gym, when a genuine miracle occurred. I put €1 into the vending machine for a Snickers bar. I keyed in the code, it was B4, and was distracted by a butterfly that had just flown in the window. It landed on my shoulder and I was overcome with a feeling of unbridled joy and content, almost like an epiphany. The delicate sound of Liberty X’s ‘Song 4 Lovers’ was playing over the speakers in the gym. I was truly at one with the world.
Moments later, the butterfly flew away and I went about collecting my Snickers. What happened next was unprecedented and most definitely the beginning of my confident attitude towards life. Sitting in the vending machine tray were TWO Snickers bars. I only put in €1 and somehow walked away with two bars. Things like this don’t happen very often. It was in that moment, I knew I was special and destined for great things.
Flash forward many successful and enviable years later. Here I am, the President of the USA, inventor of the iPhone, winner of the Nobel Peace Prize three years in a row and, most importantly, very good at beating people up. I’ve achieved everything a person could possibly hope to.
Hence, it’s time for me to hang up my very tight boxing shorts. I’ve other interests now. Mainly cheese. I’m going to set up my own cheese farm like that weird guy from Blur. That’s the whole reason I stuck with the MMA stuff for so long, to fund my addiction to cheese. I’m a whore for a Laughing Cow!
Going forward, the only UFC I’ll be going near is the Ultimate Fromage Championships. I’m pretty excited to start my new life. Will I miss MMA? Unlikely.
Remember me as I was: A HUMBLE AND MODEST LEGEND.
Take it handy,
Conor x
