Does Facebook ever give you the rage? It might be time for a detox, and chances are it’s down to Internet ‘friends’ like these ones….
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The Amateur Model
The One Who: Counts as the modern day version of the ‘Bebo stunnah’. She’s busy pouting up a storm in a never-ending series of images, while the rest of us are waiting silently for the day when someone will tell her that simply posing in your smalls for a bathroom mirror selfie is really not considered a photo shoot. Put it away love, everyone else is sharing pictures of their dinner.
The Work Martyr
The One Who: Regularly posts to complain about just how much work they have to do, how many hours they’ve spent in the office, how many more minutes until they get home… but it’s all okay because, “Luckily… I LOVE my job!!!!!”
The Baby Picture Pusher
The One Who: Must let everyone on Facebook know every single detail of their little darling’s day. We love the odd cute moment of our friends’ babies’ lives being shared, but there is always one who can’t let a bowel movement go by without making a big song and dance of it. Enough already.
The Party Girl
The One Who: Cannot go one single Thursday/Friday/Saturday night without uploading a picture of wine/cocktail glasses with the caption “WHOO HOO, it’s the weekend!” Naturally, the rest of us didn’t have a clue what week it was. A few hours later it’s the duck-face selfie, then at around 1am it’s the check-in to a nightclub. The next morning you get the “OMG, never drinking again! #MyHead #BringMeMcDonalds #SomeoneUploadThePhotos” On Sunday night you’ll see a post about The Fear, on Monday morning, one about a detox. Repeat Ad Infinitum.
The Game Player
The One Who: Gives you false hope. You log in to see twelve notifications and think how lovely it is that so many friends clearly have news for you! Nope, they’re all from one person and every single one is a request for another stupid game you have no intention of every playing. You have Facebook stalking to do for heaven’s sake!
The Crazy-In-Love Couple
The Ones Who: Document every moment of their relationship through Facebook, and have every conversation uploaded for all the world to see. God forbid their social media friends could go a day without seeing a loving display of affection and not-so-subtle hints that they have had/will have sex today. Good for you, guys. Good for you. (Yes you’re getting a two for the price of one here, but they wouldn’t have it any other way. #TwoHeartsOneSoul #ForeverLove.)
The Activist
The One Who: Believes everything is a conspiracy. Would dearly love to be known for changing the world, but only if all that involves is telling other people to “Wake up and see what’s happening!” through Facebook alone. That’s their job done, the rest is up to you. Don’t be too worried though, they’ll have a new cause tomorrow.
The Vaguebooker
The One Who: Will come online to let loose… but not quite. Very fond of sentences starting with ‘Some people…’ Every status is a cry for attention, but if you ask what’s up, you’ll invariably be met with “I don’t want to talk about it”. Fair enough.
The Lurker
The One Who: Has left a comment on your latest status less than 30 seconds after you’ve posted it. Also known to go through every album of pictures you upload, and ‘like’ every single one of them. Usually, this person is someone you’d barely know well enough to have a five-minute conversation with in real-life, but online they’re a little too close for comfort.
The Fitness Freak
The One Who: Makes us all feel completely useless. Starts the day by telling us they’re off to the gym (usually before we’ve hit snooze on the first alarm), then follows up with a 9am post featuring a bowl of ‘delicious’ muesli. Note – muesli is not delicious. Pizza is delicious. They won’t even let up at the weekend! That’ s a perfect time to show off your new 10km medal. Fair play to you. Now let me get back to my very important job; perfecting the ass groove in this couch.
