It is fair to say that there is a huge majority of men under the impression that when it comes to bedroom activities, the buck stops with them. Believing that if they were giving out awards for ‘Best Sex’, they’d definitely get one. That if sex were an exam, they’d ace it. Well not if we were marking their feckin’ paper.
Sometimes men just simply don’t have a clue… (For any lads that have happened to stumble across this, accept the fact, and move on).
Women have a tendency to be a little coyer when it comes to sexy time, well some of us anyway. And as the shy, quiet women that we are, we just don’t have the heart to tell him when they’re doing it wrong or not doing it at all!
Here is a list of the 10 MOST ANNOYING things men do in bed…
1. Giving it Socks…
Or keeping them on… some men missed the memo but as the Joe Cocker himself croons, the only thing acceptable to be left on in the bedroom is a hat. Simple as.
2. a) Calm Yourself… THEY’RE ATTACHED
Lady Gaga hit the nail on the head in song Pokerface: “Baby when it’s love, if it’s not rough it isn’t fun,” and she was right. However some men sadly think they’re Ron Jeremy (the 5ft 6in greatest porn film star of all time), pulling moves and shapes that a contortionist would find difficult, while others forget their strength and leave us feeling like they’ve attempted to take our breasts home a little keepsake.
b) No Spank You.
A little, yes that is ok. But incessant ass slapping, I’m sure the housemates in the room NEXT DOOR appreciate that sound a lot.
3. Straight In For The Kill.
Some men go head first in for the kill, literally. They’ve never heard of the word ‘foreplay’. In fact, they think it is just another term for foursome. Sometimes the greatest thing about a sexual experience is the lead in, the build-up… lack of foreplay is both completely frustrating and a bore.
4. Silence Of The (Lads) Lambs…
So he’s listened to Wynter Gordon’s Dirty Talk one too many times and is insisting on trying to arouse you by whispering sweet nothings (amateur filth) in your ear as he fiddles around aimlessly.
Only one solution, invest in a muzzle… how very S&M of us.
5. The Sneaky Reach For The Phone. Subtle.
Depending on what position you are in the bedroom, there may be times where your man isn’t always in your view. (You get where this is going).
6. He Does A Mícheál Ó Muircheartaigh On The Job.
Think that there is nothing worse than awkward dirty talk? Wrong. Running commentary.
It’s like playing a game of Gaelic and the person you’re marking is giving you a low down on every pass made in the field but there is no need because you’re playing the game too.
In the words of Elvis Presley, “a little less conversation a little more action” please.
7. Don’t PUSH it…
Dear Men, why must you insist on pushing our heads down to your nether regions? WHY?! You could just ask or WAIT. We know you all enjoy it but don’t get ahead of yourselves. Patience is a virtue and when you place your hands on our head and begin to force us down it means only one thing… you’re an asshole.
Please note girls: any man that does that has no respect for you and if you have the balls, punch him in his.
8. Ah, The Souvenirs.
Condoms of conquests past… sure we’ll just hang them beside all of the rest.
We’re not one to stereotype but some mothers have their little boys spoilt. There is no excuse for any man to leave condom wrappers or used condoms at his arse. Clean up your act lads, thanks.
9. “Are You Okay?” No.
50 Cent wrote a song about him once… 21 Questions.
‘Was it good?’ What sort of question is that to ask a lady? Well, I’ve had better.
‘Did you orgasm yet? Have you? Are you now? What about now? Are you finished yet? Are you climaxing now?’ Enough already.
‘Did you enjoy it?’ We always lie. We just haven’t the heart to tell them the truth.
‘Do you want to go again?’ Silly question.
10. Bottoms Up…
… is a catchy number by Trey Songz that features Nicki Minaj. If we wanted anything near/up our bottoms we’ll let you know. Thanking you in advance.
Honorary mention: The Ultimate Richard Head…
We’ve ALL met at least one in our time.
