It’s the end of the world.
Genuinely everything is awful today and there’s no point in pretending that it isn’t. Let’s just wallow in the sadness, go asleep tonight and wake up tomorrow with a view to getting through this all together.
Luckily, there’s 5 very fun things you can do to distract yourself from this impending apocalypse. Simply work your way through this important list, take it very seriously and you’ll have forgotten about how terrible the world is in no time. You’re welcome.
1. Eat some pizza
Pizza is delicious, even Hillary Clinton said so in the above tweet that I made up. Put a lot of time into deciding what toppings you should get on your pizza (minimum of five or you’re a wimp), then order it and sit tight looking forward to its arrival. When the pizza arrives, make sure you take some time to thank the Lord for delivering this bountiful treat, along with the delivery driver and yourself for funding it. Then consume and enjoy.
2. Obsess over your moles
That ugly brown lump on your leg looks slightly more raised than usual. Better stare at it for twenty minutes, then Google your concerns and worry the night away. If Google’s answers are quite reassuring, simply keep digging through the pages of scaremongering until you find something that truly shocks you to your core. Perhaps your mole is actually a tattoo you got when you were blackout drunk on your J1? Banter.
3. Look at pictures of cute dogs
Nothing will transform your day quite like drowning yourself in photos of puppers. Big dogs, smol dogs, medium sized dogs, there is no discrimination here. If you have a dog yourself, you need to set up a Tumblr or Instagram devoted solely to pictures of him/her. Otherwise, encourage friends to send on photos, join the Dogspotting Facebook group or simply Google ‘cute dogs’, then sit back and watch the hours fly by. Hello Heaven.
4. Wash away your fears
Sometimes a very lengthy shower is the answer to all of life’s problems. Simply lump yourself under the flowing water for a minimum of 30 minutes. Keep your clothes on for dramatic effect and have the water ice cold for as long as possible. Then work on scrubbing each individual area of your body with such rigour that your skin starts to peel off. Keep going until there’s more blood than water in the bottom of the shower.
5. Take it out on your eyebrows
As we all know, the best way to distract yourself from anything unpleasant is to go to town on your eyebrows. Literally just grab your tweezers, don’t even both with a mirror, and keep plucking until there’s nothing left to pull. Maybe start with a quick stripe at the end to remind yourself of the forming members of Blazin’ Squad, or just go for it and methodically take out every strand of hair until you look like a boiled egg. You don’t need eyebrows when the world ends, silly!
