It’s so simple to say but unfortunately, it can have a detrimental effect on your relationship over time.
When I first came across the below advice, that saying ‘should’ when chatting to your partner can cause issues, I scoffed at the thought.
The concept that one word or phrase can make such a difference sounded far-fetched at first, but when I started to really think about it, it made a lot of sense.
Psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein, a relationship expert with over 27 years experience, penned an article for Psychology Today, entirely dedicated to the importance of banning the word should from relationships and that’s enough for me to take notice.
Bernstein discusses how using ‘should’ continually leads to ‘negative energy’ between couples and can, over time, prove ‘toxic’ for a relationship.
It makes sense really because when using the one word should, you’re telling someone what to do, and no one wants their partner constantly advising or controlling their actions.
Bernstein explains that negative thoughts often begin with should and this can lead to the other person in the relationship experiencing shame. When that happens, you’re on a road to nowhere.
He explains:
“We need to acknowledge that many toxic thoughts begin with Should.
“In this way we tend to “should” all over our partners, and even if we think we’re only doing so in the privacy of our own minds, it can come out in our tone or actions, often leaving a partner experiencing a different word that begins with Sh. If you guessed that this word is shame, you’re correct.
So, how you deal with it?
The professional says that by replacing “you should” with “I would like if you”, you’re not telling the other person what to do, you’re merely offering a suggestion.
Bernstein also recommends “catching” your toxic thoughts so if you have a tendency to think before you speak, try and curb this and you should see an improvement in communication with your partner.
