Fuck you Steve Jobs.
Technology was truly wonderful, and then our parents got it. And with that, our evenings, weekends and sleep was often disturbed by the sound and sight of a parental, reading glasses perched on nose as they hold a phone stretched out to the gods, looking for answers.
“Will your cousin Declan in Peru see that?”
“Is that on my Facebook?”
“Will you get me up Jamie Oliver’s bratwurst recipe?”
It.is.draining. It’s as though the more technology advances, the more our parents regress. Here are the 10 things guaranteed to happen when a parent gets their first iPhone.
You’ll be asked to download the RTÉ Player
The first application your parent will show interest in will be the RTÉ Player. They will use it to watch the news from remote locations, like the back garden, the bathroom and the garage.
You’ll be the victim of a Face-Time overload
The novelty of Face-Timing will not wear off for at least the first week. Once they’re finished watching the news remotely they’ll face-time you to tell you they spotted Declan in the background of a special on Peurvian wool.
You’ll receive a tonne of interesting, albeit ancient facts and jokes
Allowing your other wise ignorant parent access the Internet continuously for the first time will unearth a plethora of information. They’ll be telling you facts and figures that you’ve known for years. Repeatedly. DID YOU KNOW? Yes Mother, I did.
You’ll be on the receiving end of a lot of inaccurate information
God love ‘em, it will take some time to learn how to validate Internet sources. Until then, you’ll be receiving stories about Hozier’s third marriage that they read about on viral-lies.com. There’s a huge possibility photos will be included.
Your phone will constantly light up with Words With Friends notifications
You will be basically bombarded with notifications to join your parent in a friendly game of Words with Friends. Fret not, Cheat With Friends will play automatically on your behalf.
Expect a barrage of whatsapps
“This doesn’t cost me anything now does it? I’m on the Wifi”. UGH.
Your mom will comment on everything on your Facebook
She’ll add your friends, like your photos and comment purple hearts all over your statuses. But it won’t stay there; every time you visit you’ll be asked about that random face that was snapped in the background of a photo from Everleigh in 2013.
Constant updates about Declan
Mom! I’m Declan’s friend too.
You’ll have to have the conversation about the birds and cyber bees
ANECDOTAL INSERT: A Words With Friends player once asked my mother what she was wearing. I had to explain why she should not reply.
The phrase “Google it” will be uttered more times than your own name
It will be your best friend, your saving grace and the solution to all your problems.
