An inability to pee standing up, the problem of sleeping with the burden of boobs and little, womanly hands… just some of the many ways in which we poor creatures have it so much tougher than the menfolk when it comes to daily life.
Luckily, some genius* inventors have been hard at work making the business of being a woman that little bit easier for you… and here are five of their finest inventions so far.
*Really? Really??
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1) The Clap Off Bra
Well it would certainly make throwing your bra at Tom Jones/Michael Bublé/One Direction/Whoever easier. Your enthusiastic applause would shoot the pesky bra right off – no time wasted. Created by Randy Sarafan, those awkward moments on the couch or in the bedroom with a paramour would be a thing of the past, he could simply clap his little heart out in anticipation of seeing your breasts and *poof*, there they would be.
You can see it how it works in this short clip, but if you want one you’ll have to make your own. Don’t worry though, good old Randy (appropriately named, no?) has provided full details on how. DIY weekend anyone?
2) Reusable Vampire-Themed Sanitary Towels
‘Have a happy period’ – safe in the knowledge that while you’re moody and miserable the vampire in your knickers is happy out.
MimisDreams is an Etsy shop that sells reusable menstrual cloth pads, some adorned with cartoons of Geisha girls and some with swirly or stripy prints, but it’s the pads that boast ‘sexy’ cartoon men that have attracted the most attention.
There are a variety of sizes and kits available, with the extra long ‘Goddess’ pad selling at $14.00 (€10.84). Billed as the “only pads you’ll need for your heaviest overnight flows or after childbirth needs”, the sad news is that it is no longer available in the vampire print, so the bare-chested bloodsucker can’t welcome your lady bits with open arms anymore. Not to worry though, you can still buy the similarly creepy ‘Trick or Treat’, and the male specimen featured in that pad looks just as happy to see you at that time of the month.
3) The Boyfriend Body Pillow
“Feel the embrace of a real man without the snoring, smell, tossing or turning.”
Quite. For less than €30 you can buy yourself years of having a good night’s sleep with this manly torso to snuggle up to. Billed as the “perfect sleeping companion for lonely people” and “perfect to amuse at spinsters balls” (what the hell?), the manufacturers claim that your friends will love it for its “sexy originality”.
So if you couldn’t possibly get to sleep at night without knowing there’s a man’s body snuggle up to then get your new, quiet, cushiony boyfriend today for the bargain price of €28.34. Because sleeping with a real partner is so smelly and awkward, and absolutely no one should sleep alone. Ever.
4) GoGirl Female Urination Device
Crouching is SO last season.
Yes, there are countless public bathrooms that we wouldn’t rest our bare behinds on if you paid us, but surely the our long-practiced ‘hover’ move is more than capable of handling such a situation?
Not according to the makers of GoGirl, who want us to go all Jesse J when it comes to peeing and Do It Like A Dude. The female urination device (sometimes called a FUD) allows you to urinate while standing up, and according to the makers: “It’s neat. It’s discreet. It’s hygienic.”
You just hold it against your body. “Aim and, well, pee. Pretty simple, huh?” Thanks for filling in the blanks there.
But what happens afterwards? Do you place your wee-covered silicone tube back in your handbag? Or take it out of the public toilet to wash at the public restroom sinks? Not necessarily. From the GoGirl website; “Dispose of it after use. Or clean and reuse as you like.”
Disposing of it is all well and good until you learn that the FUDs cost $12.99 each. Even Michael O’Leary was only planning to charge a euro for a wee, so we’ll stick to hovering…
5) Pens for the Female Hand
In August of last year BIC got more publicity than they could ever have imagined for a new product line, ‘BIC for Her’. The pink and purple pens boasted an “elegant design – just for her!” and a “thin barrel to fit a women’s hand”. The product reviews that appeared on Amazon after the launch have become the stuff of legend, with both women and men getting in on the act.
Some of our favourites:
- No good for man hands
I bought this pen (in error, evidently) to write my reports of each day’s tree felling activities in my job as a lumberjack. It is no good. It slips from between my calloused, gnarly fingers like a gossamer thread gently descending to earth between two giant redwood trunks.
- Revolutionary article – must buy
This pen is great. I bought it for all my female friends and relatives. It enabled them, finally, to write things (although they may not yet know to do so on paper; but you can only expect so much, really). I thought they were just a bit slow.
My mother, a hard-working woman who raised twelve kids single-handedly whilst doing all the ironing (as nature intended), was furtively abashed by her illiteracy. Long would she gaze upon her husband and sons’ scrawlings and would dedicate five minutes a day (which she really should have spent making sandwiches) to pray that one day she would be granted the ability to create such scribbles of her own. She’s still a little slow on the uptake, but this product has definitely helped start the ball rolling. We tried to give her men’s pens but she used to rip the cartridges out and drink the ink. Typical woman.
Anyway, it’s good that BIC are finally doing something to aid the plight of women. Hopefully a range of ‘for her’ paperclips is on the horizon – my wife has an awful time keeping her recipes together.
- My life has been changed!
I never did very well at school. I wanted to learn and it felt like all the words I needed were right there in my head, but I just couldn’t get them onto the paper in front of me. If I really pushed myself, I could sometimes manage to draw pretty flowers in the margins but this didn’t please Sir and I was soon in all the bottom sets. What really confused me is that I had no problems in cookery or textiles. At the time I didn’t understand why I could grip and use a wooden spoon or sewing needle but couldn’t properly hold my black-coloured pen for more than 45 seconds without dropping it on the floor and weeping.
Things were a bit better when I left school to go and work sweeping up hair at the local salon – yet again, the broom seemed to just fit into my grip as if it was meant to be there – and I saved up to buy a pink laptop. I still had trouble writing for a long time because, although the case was pink, the keys weren’t designed for female eyes which, as we all know, struggle to discern between shades of black and grey. I could write for about 4 minutes at a time, though, and that’s how I found out about these wonderful pens for girls like me.
As soon as they arrived, I was soothed by the pink packaging – I’d been feeling stressed after driving back from work because my hands just won’t stay on the black, leather-effect steering wheel in my cute mini. Anyway, I quickly found a piece of notepaper with pictures of kittens round the edges and had a go at writing my name. It was amazing! The pen just stayed in place between my fingers, just like it always had for the boys in my class at school. Well, in no time I’d filled a whole notepad and had to go and get another one!
Now I’ve gone back to night school and hope to realise my ambition of enrolling on a childcare course next year. I’m also halfway through writing an erotic novel set in Victorian times – but with vampires!
My only criticism of these wonderful pens is that I get a bit bored with all 12 looking the same. I get around this my customising each pack. At the moment, the pen I have in use is covered in stripes of glitter and I glued a pink pompom and one of those diamanté charms you get on mobile phones (I couldn’t fit any more on my phone) onto the top. I think BIC should start adding pens like this to their range because some women find it difficult to hold tubes of superglue properly – I asked the 6 year old boy who lives next door to help me.
Although our absolute favourite comment on the products came from Ellen…
6) Kush ‘Breast Support for Side Sleepers’
Cup size runneth over?
“Across the millennia and in most cultures, women’s breasts have been exalted in literature, music, art and lore throughout history. ??The breast today: modern science and innovative minds converge. Women have a myriad of products designed specifically for breasts. Yet, until Kush Support™ was developed, side-sleeping, larger breasted women were limited in how to solve their sleeping comfort issues.”
And so begins the tale of ‘Kush’, a “revolutionary product” made of lightweight foam that claims to offer “just the right firmness necessary for breast support” while you slumber, peaceful in the knowledge that your boobs are in the correct position at all times. For just $24.99 you can even avoid the pressure that causes wrinkly boobs, hurrah! If you’re a side-sleeper – these guys are on your side.
Thanks to all involved, this world is already looking like a better place for the fairer sex. We can’t wait to see what they come up with next…
